I’m What?! My struggle with SCHIZOPHRENIA.
The exact words I thought to myself when my doctor diagnosed me with Bi-Polar Disorder and Schizophrenia. So I will admit I naturally expected the bi-polar diagnosis since it was kinda a common trait in my family and if I am being completely honest I knew deep down my mood swings were just way off. The bi-polar came as no shock but schizophrenia.. come on.. there was no way.. not me. I mean after all I was nothing like Robert De Niro in the movie Hide and Seek. After all, that was my perception of schizophrenia. The doctor had to be wrong.. there was just no way. I wasn’t loosing my mind… was I?
The whole reason I was even in that office was because things in my life and mostly in my marriage had gotten to a point that I knew something just had to be off… be it me or him.. Something was off and after all bi-polar was expected so I figured treatment for that was much needed anyways. I was no longer happy, my mood swings were way out of control and most of the times when my husband and I had an argument I had no clue what was going on.. I couldn’t even remember what I said or what he said.. but I didn’t have a bad memory because I could recall couples I had served weeks or even months later and what their order and tip were.
My doctor asked me, “Do you hear voices?” My immediate response was “I hear voices all of the time.” As soon as I said it I tried to back track.. Yes I heard voices but they were real, to me anyways, they existed. I explained to her that I did hear voices but the voices I heard were my neighbors mumbling. After all, I couldn’t make out what they were saying and I know for a fact the voices weren’t telling me to kill or harm other people! I even heard my husband mumbling over 90% of the time he was home but when I asked him what he said he would shake his head and inform me nothing was said. He even use to joke with me about how I needed Miracle Ear and chuckled at me I did it so much.
Despite my own judgement I walked away from the doctor that day with 3 new prescription medications and a broken heart. I cried to myself and even my husband. I even told my husband he could divorce me because I wasn’t sure anything would work. I didn’t want to take any of the medication because I honestly didn’t understand how in the world I could possibly be schizophrenic, but I knew something wasn’t right. After all, it was the reason I was there in the first place, so I agreed to give it a chance. My life, happiness and marriage was basically depending on it.
It’s been over two months now since I walked away from that office and began my prescriptions, as much as I didn’t want to accept it then, I have finally come to the understanding that I am a little off. The difference in my life now versus two months ago is huge. I am so much happier, I no longer hear my neighbors (or husband) mumbling constantly, I LOVE my husband (Yes I loved him before but I was so miserable.. I was seriously never happy), I no longer go on impulse shopping sprees (which I may add were VERY bad), and I no longer have my dramatic mood swings. I hope to continue down the same positive path that I have these past few months. I hope to one day be able to control/contain my mental episodes so I may quit the medications but until then I will happily take them throughout my day.
I know mental diseases are a common thing but not widely shared as opposed to health related illnesses, which is why I felt like sharing my story. This is just my personal experience and story but I know there are others out there who struggle like my family and I did. If you have your own personal stories I would love for you to share them in the comments below.